i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
