From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
