thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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