This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
