It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
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