Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
