remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
