I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
