Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Randomize