Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
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