We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
