so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
