my mouth tastes like poor choices
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
