Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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