my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
