I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
