Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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