Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
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