Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
