I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
