Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
