I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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