I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I wear drunk well.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
