I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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