Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
