I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
