can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
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