M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I deserve this hangover.
Randomize
