Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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