Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
He? As in you personified your dick?
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
