It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
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