We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
