did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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