Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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