Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize