I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
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