I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
