1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
