You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
