I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Randomize
