I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
