You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
