If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Randomize
