I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
