party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Randomize
