U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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