I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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