Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize