that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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