here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
