what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
