im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
