you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize