Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
