I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
