Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
