What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
