I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
