i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
