the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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