Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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