i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
